So here we go again. More of musings on hyperemesis. If you are tired of the subject, please don't feel the need to read. I had several different trains of thoughts this time through the stomach bug and I think it will help me to list them.
1. As I was tossing veggies (instead of cookies...haha), I started thinking that the word "nausea" is pretty inadequate in describing the range of stomach upset, especially in pregnancy. I started to think that maybe it should be sub-divided into two categories: inconveninet nausea and debilitating nausea. I mentioned this to James and he agreed. In fact, he said perhaps it should be divided into 1st, 2nd, and 3rd degrees depending on how debilitating it is. I thought that was a great idea. That would make things so much easier to communicate and perhaps help standardize the level of treatment needed.
I think that was one of the hardest things I had to deal with during the pregnancy was trying to communicate how nauseous I was. For me, the nausea was debilitating. I couldn't get out of bed or I would vomit. There were times I couldn't talk or I would vomit (James and I had several of our daily conversations using instant messaging so I didn't have to talk). I couldn't run errands, I couldn't work but four hours a week (because I had to talk at work), and I couldn't communicate how bad I felt (that too required talking). When I would mention I was nauseous, I had several well-intentioned people who offered all sorts of remedies because they thought they understood what I was saying. And how could they not? I appreciated their sympathies, but it became clear we weren't talking about the same kind of nausea. Almost all pregnancies include some level of nausea - and that nausea is often an indicator of a healthy pregnancy. But if I were able to say that I was experiencing 3rd degree nausea, those who had only had 1st degree nausea would (hopefully) instantly know it wasn't the same thing and that Saltines and ginger ale would most definitely not help reduce the nausea.
2. I also realized another important differentiation during this last little bug. While I was pregnant, it was hard to explain how I could be so sick, yet still able to function on some level. Honestly, it even confused me. How could I be that sick if I could function on any level at all? Did I even have the right to say I was really sick if I could make it to the store occasionally? I wondered this about other HGers that I read about too - many of them noticed some relief around twenty weeks. It finally clicked though. Severe HG is actually incapacitating, while moderate HG is debilitating. I wasn't stuck in bed for nine months hooked up to an IV (thank goodness!), but I had some serious limitations on my capacity to be out and about. I think in some ways, having a debilitating condition instead of an incapacitating is hard on family and friends because they see you can function to some degree and might not know or understand your limitations.
3. Along these lines, I realized that the confusion of capacity probably continued to happen in my case when my level of debilitation lessened after I got the pump at 15 weeks and started being able to function on a slightly higher level. I still rarely got out of bed before noon, but I could run a few errands and spend more quality time doing things when I wasn't in bed. I still couldn't work much more since my main job required more talking than I could handle. I know this stage must have been frustrating to some people. It was to me. It looked like I could do more, so it seemed like I should be working more. But in reality, errands were extremely flexible. If I had a bad day, James either ran the errand for me, or whatever it was waited. It was also holiday season, so the extra traveling and holiday activities (even though we really cut down how much we did) still was pretty taxing. It just is frustrating for me to know that there are probably still a few people who think I could have done more (and sometimes I find myself being one of those people). I am pretty strong-willed in some ways, and I also tend to be a people pleaser. Those two traits aren't always the best combination because it means I can usually find some way to please most people, even if it means totally taxing all reserves I have. With most of those reserves completely diminished, I didn't have the ability to meet certain expectations or to even communicate about those expectations. Frustrating! It was especially hard for me since we were trying to navigate a career path for James and I wasn't up to some of the communication that would have smoothed things over better with family as they rode out that journey with us.
4. I've always had something of a strong, independent nature when it comes to dealing with hardships. I tend to put my head to the wind and trudge through on my own as much as possible. I don't like having to bring others into hard situations and have a hard time asking for help. These character traits were vital for making it through the pregnancy, but horrible for communicating what was really happening. When I felt well enough to talk, I didn't want to talk about how bad I felt. I found out after the pregnancy that some family members would get off the phone with me and have no idea how horrible I was feeling. This wasn't intentional on my part - I guess I just internalized a lot of it and didn't think about explaining the rest of it. Part of it was that I didn't know what to explain...I didn't even really understand what was going on. I also just assumed what was happening was obvious (as far as not feeling well) that I didn't really need to explain. People who knew me really well knew something major was wrong, but a lot of people were unintentionally left in the dark. So, for next time, I plan on having more educational materials at hand for all of us.
Here's a few random pictures...I went looking to see if I could find any that showed me sick. But, I guess I didn't really taken any (wonder why...haha!). So here's a pictures from Thanksgiving showing off my pump.
And one from Christmas. To me, I look pale in both of these pictures, but then I always look pale in pix!
There you have it - musings from a bug. As always when I reflect on these things, I have to say the experience was totally worth it to get this little munchkin!
im so sorry you had such a struggle in your pregnancy. I cannot imagine how hard it was for you. Wow. I'm sure it makes it that much harder to want to be pregnant again. let's hope the next pregnancy is a breeze!!
ReplyDelete