Mama Has Hyperemesis Gravidarum (But Only For A While)

I came across Mama Has Hyperemesis Gravidarum (But Only For A While) last night while researching treatments for HG.

The title alone very nearly sent me into tears. At work. Right before a call came in. Two seconds and couple of deep breaths were needed to pull myself together before taking the call (granted that did get my mind off of HG for a little bit though). I don't know why the title affected me like that, other than I know I am still processing all the emotions related to having such a hard pregnancy. It's an ongoing process, but one that needs to be done. I find myself needing to work through all the emotions I pushed aside while simply trying to survive each day and to research possible treatments and prevention techniques (if any) for the next time (which won't be for a little while yet!). So, there might be a few more postings about HG while I go through the process of looking for any and every tidbit of information I can find to see if I can somehow be more prepared for next time. I have a need to share my story - both for my sake and that of those who haven't really ever heard of HG and don't understand it.

I did do some research while I was pregnant because I had no idea what was happening to me. I wasn't getting over the morning sickness like everyone kept promising. I came across some really good sites, my favorite being http://www.helpher.org/. Lots and lots of great information there! Their list of things a hyperemetic mom might experience was such a relief! I wasn't going crazy and my concerns and fears weren't unfounded. That website also provided the info I needed to even know to ask my ob/gyn for a Zofran pump. I hate to think what would have happened if I hadn't gotten that pump. I will always and forever be grateful to the founders of that website and all the women (and men) who contributed their stories, info, and support.

For some reason though, I never came across any of Ashli McCall's materials while I was pregnant - or maybe I was too sick to catch the links to her info. Kind of funny, since it was one of the first links that pulled up last night. She has written another book called Beyond Morning Sickness: Battling Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

I actually came across this one first in my search. The reviews on Amazon are amazing and I plan on buying a copy for myself, one for family, and one for my previous ob/gyn's office. I don't think any of us fully understood what I was going through at the time, and while we made it through, it could have been a lot easier if we had had more information. I was really the only one researching it at the time though and that was with super limited energy.

Ashli also had a blog during one of her pregnancies: hyperemesisgravidarum.blogspot.com. I started reading through it. I want to share the wording in one of her stories that particularly hit home with me:

A friend came over the other day, and we were talking about [HG]. I started to tell her what nights had been like during the thick of it...it was just a description of living with various pumps and alarms... not the worst part of the illness... and yet, I couldn't get through it without bawling and feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me, without feeling like I wanted to run from my own words, my memories, the reality of what had been my life. And for me it had been a few months. For others with other diseases it is years. --hyperemesisgravidarum.blogspot.com

I can totally relate. Surely it wasn't that bad. I mean, I dealt with it just fine at the time, right? The memories of constant purple and blue bruised thighs from having to stick a needle in them twice a day or being scared to go to the grocery store because I didn't know if I could muster up even half the energy needed or of being afraid to even having a short verbal conversation with someone because I knew that it would make me throw up can't really have been how it was, right? Living with family the whole nine months because I couldn't hardly work and James' job offers kept slipping away one by one wasn't really that stressful, was it? Having a doctor who was willing to at least try a Zofran pump, even if he didn't give me any indication of how hard HG would be on me physically or emotionally (not to mention how hard it would be for family who just thought it was morning sickness) was a blessing, right?

Surely it wasn't that bad to push through each day, hoping the end of HG was just around the bend. Realizing it wasn't going to end after the first trimester, or at 16 weeks, or even at the common 20 week mark for most HGers couldn't have been that disappointing or depressing. Knowing that a good day meant I would probably overdo it and would pay for it the next two days wasn't such a bad cycle, right? I mean, at least I had a few good days here and there. Still feeling nauseous for a whole week after Ian was born wasn't so bad, even though I had been promised by other moms that I would feel great right away. Right?

I guess I am trying to figure out where I stood on the horrible pregnancy scale becauase I want to be better prepared for next time around. I also want to know if it was really that bad. I guess there is part of me that is still in denial that it could have been *that bad*. I mean, the doctor didn't ever even call it a high risk pregnancy. And I know I certainly had it much better than several HGers. I wasn't on a weekly hydration schedule. I didn't have to have a feeding tube. I actually didn't even get snubbed that much by people who thought I was just being a wuss (I have heard some horror stories about that). My husband didn't have to cook all his food in the microwave in the garage or sleep in a different bed the whole 9 months (heard stories about that too). Although it was stressful at times, we had family support and a place to live. We didn't lose a house or go in debt over this pregnancy. Even though my normal activities were interrupted, I was able to maintain some of the basics, especially after I got the Zofran pump. I didn't lose my job over my lack of ability to work. No one at work even questioned whether it was really all that bad. They all believed me and supported me - a TREMENDOUS blessing!!! My hubby never told me to suck it up or just to try harder.

And of course, there's the big question: was it worth it? Worth it to endure all that for my little baby? Worth it to see what a good father my hubby is and fall even more in love with him? Worth it to see what joy Ian brings to our lives? YES! Absolutely! I would do it all over again (but with more support this time...haha!) just to have him in our lives. When I was in the midst of it, I certainly did not understand women who went through this four, five, or six times. Two or three I could understand, but not more than that. I understand it now though. Those difficult days become much more of a distant memory all the time and the fun we have with Ian definitely overrides all the hardships we faced (although I am all about reducing hardships for the next time!).

What's even better is I feel like God is telling me that He wants to heal me of this. I hardly even dare write that, not because I doubt His ability or goodness to do so, but because I am afraid of mishearing Him. And yet, I know deep down that I haven't. I have no idea how He wants to do this, but I believe He can - whether through His own power or through treatments. So, while I am waiting on Him to show me, I am also researching HG as much as possible. I would definitely appreciate prayers on this!

I'll leave with this - the most beautiful, precious reward at the end of a long journey (and the start of a new journey!).